Too Much About Me
I started a business nearly ten years ago that was my biggest dream. I spent four ambitious years giving it everything I had before I had to reluctantly turn the lights off and close the doors. “Reluctant” is a neatly packed word. I was devastated, curled up on the floor heave-crying, because when you give your biggest dream all you got and find out it isn’t enough- what do you do with yourself then?
To be honest, before that moment, I was somewhat aware I wrapped my identity around this dream. I put all my “eggs” of my identity into this “basket” that was my dream. It was my purpose in life, it was my joy and if I could get it to soar then I’d know finally that I’m worth something- good at something. So, curled up on the floor, my self worth and purpose were dying alongside my dream. It. Was. Not. Fun.
I don’t often hear stories like mine. I’d like to though. It’s nice to hear other people survive your biggest fear. (Spoiler Alert, I survived this.)
From the climactic Floor Moment, I tried my hardest to move on. Here’s what it felt like: my plans for my life, my expectations and dreams were in the can and I felt dropped into an alternate universe where I had to choose a different life to live. Call me dramatic, it’s probably truer than you know, but I was truly clueless about what to do with my life. Everything aside from my Big Dream felt pointless and I was having a tough time figuring out why anything mattered.
If you’re 27, 28 or 29, it’s possible you might feel some strain of this too, with your own twist, of course. I was 28. My life didn’t look at all like I thought it would and I felt like I was back to a 22 year old’s decision with 30 looming over me wondering why I don’t have a retirement plan, or a job. It was my first time doing this “starting over” thing, but in retrospect, it’s probably far from being my last. Life is full of these super fun, “that didn’t go as planned and now I have to sort out what to do now” moments. The first one is a doozy. The second one isn’t as bad. If you feel this way today, I’ll tell you what someone told me and it changed my life: you’re going to be fine. It happens to everyone, it will sort itself out, don’t worry.
During that time of my life, I felt like I was off the map. Like when your phone doesn’t have service and it’s trying to guess your location. Just a flickering blue dot on an endless beige square. Most days I still feel like that, but it doesn’t feel as despairing as it used to. The truth is, there really aren't any maps in life. We each pioneer our own way, pursuing whatever we set our priorities on and it looks different for each one of us. When that initial Plan doesn’t pan out, you step into this wide open range of The Unknown. It’s scary at first, but it’s really a place where anything can happen.
I’m going to skip ahead here, or at least summarize, because this isn’t my autobiography and it’s already way too long. Don’t worry, for those interested you’ll hear all the details over time. But I spent years healing and wandering. I painfully had to find other passions and other things to build my life around. I haven’t experienced this personally, but I imagine it’s how you feel trying to move on from a bad breakup. Still hung up on someone else, I flirted and dated other passions and hobbies, until I moved on.
What happened, without my knowing, is that I may have closed down my business, but my dream never died. But without a business to decide if I was successful, I got to be me with nothing to prove. I dabbled my little heart out. I didn’t have to tell anyone I was an artist, I just got to make art. Half of it went in the bin, so what. Also, if you needed to hear it, turning 30 was one of the best things I ever did, and I was terrified of it. I’m a fresh 32 now and I’m as surprised as anyone to say I’ve come full circle back to where I started. Some dreams are just made of sturdy stuff apparently.
I know, “so, we’re going backwards?“
Not at all. Well, maybe. But mostly no.
I’m not restarting the business I had, at least not today. But I’ll tell you my dream: my dream is to help people live their lives to the fullest. Cheesy? Stereotypical? So what. My dream is for you to live as a glorious human, flawed and full of wonder at this life you get to live. I want you to soar in your pursuits, I want you to have amazing friends and a healthy body. I want you to know there’s nothing wrong with you when you feel like there must be. I want you to confidently believe that you are precious, powerful and important and I think if you were aware of how true that is, you might live your life differently.
Originally, I made a little newspaper business in hopes that it would be an inspiration for people to love the uniqueness of their lives. And I think in its small run, it did. To this day I am a sucker for printed publications, it just so naturally sets a gentle pace. But my dream isn’t to make the coolest art or to have my work in people’s homes or galleries- my real, undying dream is for you to understand this message. So I’m going to start saying it again.
So, hello. I’m Sierra, and I’ll be over here lifting this banner as high as I can: you are alive and you matter.
